The Official Street Smarks Wrestlemania XXVIII Predictions!

Welcome everyone to the official Street Smarks Wrestlemania predictions! We think it’ll be fun to compare our own “smark” predictions with those found in the other post (found here) made by people who either rarely watch WWE, no longer watch WWE, or simply never have. Let’s see how foolish we look for over thinking everything!

As always, here’s the key:

KB = Kevin Brotzman

CL = Chris Lejarzar

DS = Donnie Storms

It’s Wrestlemania time, so let’s not waste anymore time, shall we?

But first (swerve~!) a note from our very own Mr. Kevin Brotzman:

“In my ongoing effort to slap a new hat onto Malibu Stacy, this month I’ll be presenting a best-case scenario and a worst-case scenario for each match on the card, using examples from the previous XXVII Wrestlemanias. Onward!”

Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos vs. Divas Champion Beth Phoenix and Eve Torres

KB:

Best-Case Scenario: This one’s going to be tough. Has there ever been a quality women’s tag match at Mania? Was the mixed tag last year featuring Vickie Guerrero and Snooki really as good as it gets? I still have nightmares about the slow-motion replays of Snooki’s handspring elbow.

Worst-Case Scenario: Terri Runnels (w/Moolah) vs. The Kat (w/Mae Young), feat. guest referee Val Venis (Wrestlemania XVI). The next time someone starts ranting about the superiority of the Attitude Era, show them this match.

Prediction: Maria pins Eve, 70,000 people chant “Hoeski”, and WWE continues to project a healthy image to young girls.

CL:

I don’t mind the use of celebrities at Wrestlemania, I really don’t. They have always been part of the package and will continue to be so until at one point we might get an all celebrity Wrestlemania! How great would that be? I just gave them an idea, didn’t I? Anyway, I do have a minor issue with an actual champion being involved in a match a celebrity might be in…but I guess this one has been building for a while now or something. Right?

Assuming that Ms. Menounos is cleared to go, I would have Beth kill Kelly did only to have Maria get the feel good ending/publicity stuny/photo op over Eve. Of course, what will probably happen is that Maria pins your Divas champion (via rollup, of course) clean as a sheet. Yup. Makes perfect sense, especially to do it again.

I’d be down if Maria can’t go that her replacement be Nataya as Kharma can take as much time as she needs, though it’d be nice if she shows up, but since that part is an unknown, let’s go with…

Winner: Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos!

DS:

Sigh, poor, poor Beth Phoenix.  She’s the tiny circle in this match, in case I wasn’t making that clear.  What could’ve been an epic showdown between her and Kharma just wasn’t to be.  Instead of giving Alundra Blaze a call, and making this another “generation vs. generation” match, WWE went with the easy cash grab of tacking on a celebrity on to something.  I’m pretty sure the WWE Creative white board pretty much just has “Call her a whore” and “Celebrity” circled, with nothing else but doodles of ninjas and robots on it.  As much as I’d love to see Beth just absolutely decimate these two, I just don’t see them bringing in a “celebrity” just to have her put over Eve’s Shitty Moonsault.

Winners:  Kelly and Menuonos

Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy

CL:

How exactly can Team Johnny lose here? Just look at the teams…and look at John Laurinaitis and Teddy Long. One is suddenly entertaining as hell while the other is just there. Too bad this isn’t elimination rules as there could be a fun Santino storyline here, but alas…

I simply can’t see The Rudos of WWE (please bring that back, someone in charge!) losing to The Hold On a Minute Playas…even if it is Wrestlemania. The Miz probably gets the pin, but I would not be opposed to seeing a World’s Strongest Slam…and neither should you as Mark Henry is truly the Ravager of Worlds.

Winners: The Dynamic Dudes!

DS:

I cannot stress enough how much I love almost everything about Team Johnny.  First of all, there’s David Otunga, who went from being “That fucking guy” to “THIS fucking guy!” much faster than any wrestler I can remember.  Seriously, one week he was jobbing with Captain Backwards Hat [Editor’s note: this is Michael McGillicutty; or that one guy who kept asking Jerry Lawler how he “liked that” over and over again in a very loud tone], and the next, he was being awesome and judicial and Phoenix Write: Ace Attourneying the shit out of everyone, which apparently gave him enough momentum to improve his in-ring work as well.  You think David Otunga isn’t awesome?

Then you have Dolph Ziggler, who is quite possibly my favorite part of any television show in the world right now, and Jack Swagger who threatened to turn Miss Piggy in to a ham sandwich, wocka wocka.  The real cherry on top, though, is Mark Henry, who isn’t QUITE back to Galactus levels yet, but he’s at least, like…Fin Fang Foom [Editor’s note: aka “He Whose Limbs Shatter Mountains and Whose Back Scrapes the Sky;” that’s so badass].

On the other side of the ring you have a bunch of guys I sort of enjoy…and the Great Khali.  If Mark Henry is Fin Fang Foom, The Great Khali is fucking Bizzaro.  He’s big and impressive looking, but he speaks like he’s handicapped, in the end, is pretty much useless overall.  In fact, I would be totally in favor of Khali wearing a medallion with his name and “#1” printed on it.  The way this has been booked, it makes the most sense at this point for Booker T. to eat the pin from Drew McIntyre.  Drew has been tormented by the rat bastard Teddy Long for the last 6 months, and winning this match would really do wonders for his profile.  Meanwhile, Booker taking the loss hurts no one on the face team.  Everyone’s a winner!  Except Booker.  He lost the match, and his team now hates him.  He is no longer in any of their Fave Fives.  Team Johnny HAS to win here, because honest to Christ, if Teddy Long wins, we’re going to be subjected to an infinite number of tag team main events featuring Sheamus and three other guys, and frankly, my poor brain cannot take that.

Winner: Team Johnny

KB

Best-Case Scenario: Gimmick Battle Royal, Wrestlemania XVII. A big ol’ pile of entertaining characters get an easy Wrestlemania payday. I’m actually looking forward to this match, as I’m in the tank for Big Johnny as well as the top three guys on his team. They’ve done a surprisingly coherent job in developing the storyline for the match, except that I can’t figure out why anyone would cheer for Teddy Long and the suits that he gets from some second-hand Big and Tall store. I know people complained about the four-match card at Elimination Chamber, but I’d much prefer the undercard guys in a 12-man clusterfrig to the early days of 12-14 match Wrestlemanias with an endless procession of randomly-paired midcarders in singles matches. The way this year’s event is set up, the top four matches combined could eat up close to three hours of a four-hour show, so you’ve got to break a few eggs elsewhere.

Worst-Case Scenario: Tag Team Battle Royal, Wrestlemania XIV. It’s not that the match itself was good or bad, but the big angle was the relaunch of the Legion of Doom, and that whole situation got pretty ugly pretty fast. Besides, the Road Warriors in bicycle shorts? Eurgh.

Prediction: Call it wishful thinking, but Team Johnny wins. Maybe the Miz plays the hero and saves the RAW GM’s bacon, because the whole lengthy losing streak and obsession with making an impact at Wrestlemania thing has to be going somewhere…right?

Kane vs. Randy Orton

DS:

Dumber thing to fight over:  A shampoo commercial, or a guy welcoming you back?  I have no idea why these guys are fighting, and I’m not entire sure THEY do, either.  Kane’s thought pattern for the last month has literally gone as follows:

Kill Zack Ryder and drag him to Literal Christian Hellà Rape Eve, perhaps with fire à Use these things to make John Cena hate things à ??? à Lose to Cena à Attack Randy Orton à PROFIT!

Did I miss something?  No?  Okay, then.  Randy Orton did an interview where he said people wanted to see this match more than they wanted to see either of the two world title matches on this card.  Randy Orton is insane clearly insane.  He’s also a literal pantsless snake, so unless this:

…is actual footage of Kane training for this match, he has no hope.

Winner: Randy Orton

KB:

Best-Case Scenario: Kurt Angle vs. Kane, Wrestlemania XVIII. Did you know that this will be Kane’s fifteenth straight Wrestlemania, counting the tag title match on Heat before WM XIX? Did you also know that none of those matches were booked with any sort of advance planning except for the two against the Undertaker? There was a short period of time in the early 2000s when the right opponent could coax a surprisingly good match out of Kane. He and Angle had a Smackdown match in late 2001 that I still remember being pretty darned entertaining. With memories of that encounter, their showdown in Toronto felt like a disappointment. The blown rollup at the finish of that match certainly didn’t help. Now Kane’s 44, Randy Orton is no Kurt Angle, and they don’t seem to even know why they’re fighting. I’d be shocked if this one is anything other than dull, which brings me to…

Worst-Case Scenario: Jake Roberts vs. Rick Rude, Wrestlemania IV. I’m going way back for this one. Two big names, but this was about a year before Rude started doing his best work and they were given 15 minutes to chinlock their way to a time-limit draw.

Prediction: Kane sets off his pyro before the match, dooming himself to a loss. I’m going out on a limb and saying that he’ll attempt a flying clothesline and that it will be countered into the RKO. I’ll keep predicting this outcome for Orton matches until I’m proven wrong.

CL:

So, obviously, Kane is the go to feud for an upper card guy who needs something to do while his real opponent isn’t around for whatever reason. In this case, Wade Barrett has been injured (and thus taking the Money in the Bank match with him) and now Orton needed something to do. Good of reason as any, I suppose, even if it doesn’t make sense. Can’t we just get the, “you know, I never really liked you; well, I never liked you, either; so let’s fight” feud? It works better than, “I shook your hand after the street fight, so I got WSS into oblivion only to get my ass kicked by John Cena, but now I remember that I’m really made at you,” doesn’t it?

As for the match, I don’t know. Neither of them need the win and it doesn’t matter much if either of them lose. I assume Orton will move back into the title picture (because duh) and Kane will go back down to Hell and whisper sweet nothings into a dead corpse’s ear. So, there’s your answer.

Winner: Randy Orton!

Intercontinental Championship: Cody Rhodes (c) vs. The Big Show

KB:

Best-Case Scenario: Vince McMahon vs. Hulk Hogan, Wrestlemania XIX Streetfight. Not a polished match by any means, but the obnoxious heel gets his incredibly violent comeuppance. The entertainment value overshadows the lack of technical merit. Cody’s been on a roll and it’s hard to imagine what the Big Show would do with the title, but they’ve backed themselves into a corner. I certainly don’t care if Show endures further humiliation, but WWE seems to think he’s a vital part of the company or something.

Worst-Case Scenario: Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole, Wrestlemania XXVII. It’s not just that Cole got the victory on an overturned decision after months of tormenting Lawler, Jim Ross, and wrestling fans (oops, I mean The WWE Universe) in general…it’s that they took 15 damned minutes to get there.

Prediction: Cody wins, continues with the mockery, and then Show knocks him out and lets Mae Young ravage his unconscious body. I hate myself for even suggesting the possibility.

CL:

I have no idea what they do here. I think Cody has been doing a great job (especially with these “Cody Rhodes Presents…Or How Big Show Is a Giant Turd” video clips) and this could help establish a great deal. Conversely, you’ve been showing what a lamer Show has been at Wrestlemania, so do you just add to it? Yeah, why not!

By the way, I’ve liked this angle quite a bit, but let’s be honest: what is there to say about it?

Winner and STILL Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes (he at least walks away with the belt; maybe Show gets revenge; stop hedging bets, Chris)!

DS:

I think this match has been built better than any other match, and has me actually excited for a Big Show match.  This is, of course, a classic David and Goliath match-up.

Oh.  Sorry.  Wrong David and Goliath.  Though…on second thought…Whenever I watch a Big Show match, I cover my eyes and scream “Oh no! It’s another disaster!”, and  I DO see Cody going over here with the Beautiful Disaster kick, so maybe these clay bastards are on to something.  Of course, they’re only MOSTLY on the right path, because if Cody loses?  THERE IS NO GOD.

Winner: Cody Rhodes

World Heavyweight Championship: Sheamus  vs. Daniel Bryan (c)

CL:

Oh, how I wish Daniel Bryan will escape with the belt here. It would be so great. I think it’s very safe to say that Sheamus wins here, but this little thought has crept into my brain lately, “what if Bryan wins?” That’s the kind of fun swerve that we might enjoy…well, I know I would and that’s all that matters to me really. As for Sheamus, this Rumble win has hurt him in my eyes. Everything post late January has been rather “blah” to me and, to me, his “moment” should have been with Mark Henry…which they gave away on free tv cuz…well, I don’t really know why.

Regardless, I suppose AJ gets involved here. Maybe it backfires and Bryan eats a Brogue Kick because of it. Sheamus gets to pose with pyro going off all around him…all while he’s thinking about how there are far too many limes. Yeah, we’ll go with that.

Winner and NEW World Champion: Sheamus!

DS:

For the most part, I have thoroughly enjoyed Bryan’s run as a heel champion.  While I would’ve booked him to be a little more dominant at times in ring, I can’t complain that he’s held the title for about 1/3 of a year now.  A couple years ago, when the poor guy was fired just for being awesome, did I ever think we’d see him rise to being a part of the show this big?  No.  Does it please me?

I think Daniel would agree, M. Bison.  I think the original plan was for Sheamus to win here, and hold feud with Christian immediately following, but now that Christian is out because he’s still not healed, I don’t see the harm in Bryan holding on to the belt a little longer.  Plus, you know, AJ.

Winner: Daniel Bryan

KB:

Best-Case Scenario: Hulk Hogan vs. Randy Savage, Wrestlemania V. Sheamus isn’t nearly as limited in the ring as Hogan, but there are some parallels. Power vs. technique, the heel champion who manipulates his demure manager/romantic interest for his own benefit…of course I’m about the 4,296th person to compare Bryan/A.J. to Savage/Elizabeth, but it just works. This match has gotten the short end of the stick with all the hype over the part-timers returning as special attractions, but Bryan is so good at what he does that he’s been able to create some momentum for it anyway. Besides, this is a step up from last year, when these guys had a U.S. Title bout that got shunted to dark match status at the last minute.

Worst-Case Scenario: Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton vs. Kurt Angle, Wrestlemania XXII. Rey’s Royal Rumble win and two-month title chase culminated in a nine-minute anticlimax that was stuck in No-Man’s Land between the Shawn Michaels-Vince McMahon schmoz and the John Cena-Triple H main event. If time starts running short, I’m worried that this would be the only one of the big four matches to be on the chopping block.

Prediction: Sheamus wins, drags A.J. back to the dressing room by her hair, is hailed as a hero and a gentleman.

WWE Championship: CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho

DS:

Look, guys, I’m not gonna lie.  My original online handle back in the dark ages of dial up was jericho45, because I am a card carrying Jerichoholic.  He is easily my favorite performer of all time, and I am an absolute mark for everything he does.  That said, I think his “IRL Troll” routine is ESPECIALLY brilliant, and I usually end up laughing at all of his bits, from the “YEAH BABY” to the t-shirt gun.  I can’t express how hard I laughed when he broke out one of these:

…on CM Punk.  While Punk is my favorite “current” wrestler, and has done a masterful job of rising to become the OTHER face of the company, I think Jericho comes out on top here to extend the feud.  Punk has carried the title masterfully, but there’s more between these two than will be settled in one match.

Winner: Chris Jericho

KB

Best-Case Scenario: David Shoemaker (a.k.a. The Masked Man) beat me to the Savage-Steamboat comparison, so I won’t repeat him. One of my favorite matches has always been the Bret Hart vs. Owen Hart opener from Wrestlemania X. It’s such an uncharacteristic match for WWF, especially in the context of 1994. There were no outside distractions, just two brothers intent on proving they were each the best at what they did. It was an intense feud, but the match told a great story through submission holds and other traditional maneuvers instead of punches, foreign objects, and high-impact finishers. With the spotlight and the hype primarily focusing on the Undertaker, Triple H, John Cena, and the Rock, that might give Punk and Jericho the freedom to challenge the crowd’s expectations.

Worst-Case Scenario: Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar, Wrestlemania XIX. I have so much faith in the abilities of Punk and Jericho, the only thing I can see going wrong would be a horrible injury. Of course, neither of them is a 6’3″, 280-pound freak trying to do a Shooting Star Press.

Prediction: My gut says that CM Punk retains, but it’s worth noting that the Extreme Rules PPV at the end of April is in Chicago. Would it be a bigger deal for Punk to defend the title in his hometown, or to regain it?

CL

I can’t wait for this match. That’s really all I should need to say about it, but I have to give justification for my prediction. I wouldn’t want to short change the loyal reader or anything. This match can go either way and I’ll be happy. Honestly. I just want to see this damn thing.

But I need to predict…hmm…let’s go with Punk since his DVD is filming until the next PPV (which is in Chicago). It’d be a cool moment if Punker comes back home (for a PPV) a conquering hero. Though they could have him win it back here, but whatevs. I already have one belt changing hands, sooo yeah.

I’ll hold out some hope that after Punk wins and we hear some breaking glass tomorrow night on RAW, though. Do we have to clap our hands to make that happen? Or is that how to keep fairies alive?

Winner and STILL WWE Champion: CM Punk!

End of an Era/THIS BUSINESS Hell in a Cell Match: The Undertaker vs. Triple H

(With Shawn Michaels as your special guest referee)

KB:

Best-Case Scenario: Again, it’s tough to find a parallel here. This is a rematch from last year, but they’re clearly shooting the moon by adding the Cell and Shawn Michaels to the mix. I don’t think it has a chance to match up to the two Taker-HBK classics. Let’s go with Steve Austin vs. the Rock from Wrestlemania XVII. It was the culmination of what was probably the best Wrestlemania of them all, and the most memorable match between the other two luminaries from WWE’s last golden age. There was a ton of blood, many near falls, plenty of weapons, and a third party impacting the outcome. Of course, I’m assuming that this match doesn’t end with an inexplicable heel turn by the Undertaker.

Worst-Case Scenario: Let’s say it goes the way of Triple H vs. Randy Orton at Wrestlemania XXV. Maybe it’s just too slow and sloppy and the crowd is already burned out if it follows a really exciting match…but I wouldn’t bet on that. Taker’s had a whole year to rest and prepare, and he’s not a spaz like Orton. I just hope that Triple H retires before he gets too deep into the Metallica catalog. I’d hate to see him have to dip into St. Anger for Wrestlemania XXXVIII.

Prediction: 20-0.

CL:

Funny thing is that the simple video package that aired on RAW was so much better than all of their uber long segments combined. It was badass and told everything is roughly five minutes. What a concept. I’m going to assume that for this match, as well as the next one, I know absolutely nothing of the myriad of guys in Miami at this very moment and, therefore, will not comment on them from here on out (though it’s going to be ridiculous in just about any capacity).

No matter what happens, I don’t think The Undertaker ultimately loses here. No way. I think there are moments when both combatants think Shawn is screwing them somehow, but he calls it down the line. That’s what I’d do anyway. I’d love to see blood here, but I don’t expect it. In the end…

Winner and STILL Undefeated at Wrestlemania: The Undertaker!

DS:

Hold on a second, guys.  Let me look in to my crystal ball and see if I can conjure up a preview of what’s going to go down tomorrow night.  Ah, yes, there it is…

As you can see, Shawn Michaels will attempt to get between the two, and keep them from seriously injuring each other.  Meanwhile, Stephanie McMahon-Levesque will kind of wander around in the background, probably holding Triple H’s balls in her purse.  And then…violence.

In all seriousness, I can’t tell you how little I care about this match.  I didn’t like it last year, where the pacing was horrible, and was just a bunch of spots strung together.  I doubt my opinion will have changed by about 10:10 on Sunday night, after they’ve just done the same thing, only inside a cage.  The build for this match wasn’t very good, and what’s worse, it was repetitive, with all three guys meandering out to the ring to say the same things week in and week out, and take 20 minutes to get there.  What I’m trying to say is, I hope this is the end of this.  I enjoy Undertaker, and don’t want him to have to be off of WrestleMania, but he and Triple H have no discernible chemistry in the ring or during interviews, and I’m just over this whole thing.  At least I get to hear Metallica a bajillion times.

Winner: Undertaker

John Cena vs. The Rock

CL:

Oh, like this isn’t going to go on last. I’m on record in saying that I have not overly enjoyed this build at all. It has been boring and has made me wonder if I temporarily went brain dead during my late teenage years for liking The Rock. This upsets me, as you’d imagine. All he’s really done is come out and pander to the crowd then call John Cena a “heh, fag.” Has he always been like this? If so…I’m sorry, Planet Earth. Not that I’m all that high on Cena, either, but I thought he’s done pretty well during the past few weeks…just not well enough to make me really care about the match (even if the end of this past RAW was good once Cena interrupted The Rock’s usual song and dance). This fact make me sad.

That said, I think this is going to be quite a match. Perhaps not the most technically sound, but one of those great atmosphere matches. Somehow, someway, John Cena wins. This is a baton passing match (or a passing of the torch; a changing of the guard; whatever floats your boat) and I think Rock gets that. Again: somehow, someway (wink wink, nudge nudge).

Winner: John Cena!

DS:

Wait, my crystal ball seems to be forming images of this match as well!  Let’s take a look…

Look, to be 100% honest here, a year ago, I LOVED The Rock, and was excited when he came back to beat the living hell out of Cena.  And then…nothing.  It wasn’t that Rock wasn’t there week in and week out.  I never expected that.  My problem is that when he WAS there, he just said the same things over and over again.  Several times, he’d come SO CLOSE to making a point.  He’d be RIGHT THERE…and then he’d just revert to calling Cena a gay man with a vagina, which makes no sense at all.  I didn’t care about this match in the least until a couple days ago, when it started to leak that Brock Lesnar was in talks to return, and that Batista might be on his way back as well.  I think the latter is a long shot, but I definitely think the former makes his appearance tomorrow night.  Rock claimed he was the greatest ever because he beat Hogan and Austin, and needed to beat Cena to complete the circle.  He left out the fact that he never beat the most dominant force in wrestling ever, and the former UFC champion.  I think Brock shows up, F5’s the Rock death, and leaves, setting up a match between those two at Mania next year.

Winner: John Cena

KB:

Best-Case Scenario: Hulk Hogan vs. the Rock, Wrestlemania XVIII. Man, I can’t stand either of these guys, which I guess makes me an old crank or something. But they both have huge, vocal fan bases, and I’d expect the energy of a divided crowd to add another dimension to the match. Frankly, I’m just relieved that they’ll actually be hitting each other after weeks and weeks of just saying “Homo says what?” to each other.

Worst-Case Scenario: Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar, Wrestlemania XX. You know, if it leaks out this weekend that Cena and Rock both are leaving the company, and the crowd mercilessly turns on them both and just starts chanting for Stone Cold and Hulk Hogan…okay, that’s not likely.

Prediction: Cena wins, giving the Rock an actual reason to show back up at SummerSlam. And I try to prepare myself for an August chock full of “kung pao bitch”. Be strong.

There you have it, ladies and gents! Come back to see how right/wrong we were! Also compare it to the other set of predictions we have up (again, seen here), that ought to be a good time.

Enjoy the show!

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