The Official Streetsmarks No Way Out 2012 Predictions!

If we don’t get two jobbers with Costner and Hackman themed names fighting Ryback, I’m going to be PISSED.

Do you guys remember when we used to do articles and reviews and recaps and stuff?  And then over time, we devolved in to hopping on once a month to tell you who we think is going to win at the monthly pay per views, and then not even bothering to come back and tell you what we thought of the shows we’d watched?

Yeah, good times.  Or not.  One of these days, we’ll all get back to writing about things other then our expert opinions.

But that’s not this week.  And unfortunately, due to some unfortunate circumstances, our expert panel is limited to two this week.  So without further ado, allow Kevin and myself to tell you why we’re right (in the most blase way possible, because seriously, this PPV is placeholder as fuck).

YouTube Pre-Show: The Funkasaurus Brodus Clay vs. the Botchasaurus David Otunga

Kevin: My goal with these things is to make each successive month’s predictions more half-assed than the last. At this rate, I might be writing SummerSlam’s piece in Wingdings.

I’m not sure what the endgame is here. Brodus isn’t the smoothest in-ring technician, and thus the most impressive thing he’s done is to stand still while Dolph Ziggler throws himself at his forehead. I’m sure that the man who has trouble executing a hiptoss will make Funky look fantastic.

Prediction: Defenestration at the hands of the Big Show aside, Clay is still undefeated. I don’t see that changing on freaking YouTube. However, Otunga will surprisingly control the match until he is distracted by the horrifying sight of the Funkadactyls morphing into actual pterodactyls. Yes, I just found these mushrooms growing in my yard. Why do you ask?

Donnie: Oh, Funkasaurus, how I miss when I was entertained by you.  Now I’m just left with your catchy music, and wondering which color in the emotional spectrum you’ll be representing each week.

This match is the laziest thing ever, by the way.  While I enjoy David Otunga the character and human being, I do not so much enjoy David Otunga, the man who spins around on you like Hakan from Street Fighter IV because he’s pinning you while out of position.  The difference is, Hakan only uses half as much oil on his body.  All that said, I’d still rather watch David Otunga wrestle than to have to fight someone using Hakan.  Hakan sucks.

Meanwhile, Funkasaurus got his leg storyline injured on Friday’s episode of SmackDown, thus giving him an opportunity to work an “Injured face overcomes his injury to win” style match, as opposed to his normal “Big fat guy no-sells tiny guy offense and the jumps in the air and lands on him” style match.  Will he actually do this, or just completely forget he’s supposed to be injured, dance out to the ring with no ill effects, and proceed to grab them cakes with small children?  Who knows?  And really, let’s be honest, who cares?

Prediction: Brodus, the last Funkasaur, because he’s my friend and a whole lot more.

Divas Champion Layla vs. Beth Phoenix

Kevin: If you go to WWE.com, you’ll find that the Divas Championship match is almost always listed on the card ahead of only the YouTube match. That’s discriminatory, y’all.

Prediction: This match will actually be wrestled by Maxine and Natalya. No one will notice. Beth will be declared the winner.

Donnie: I like Beth and all, but the women’s division has devolved to the point that she’s the only heel, meaning either she’s the champion, or she fights the face champion on every PPV.  I would really like to see them add another women’s match to the YouTube pre-show, featuring two women NOT in the title picture, so that we can BUILD an actual title picture.  This needs to happen, because I’m tired of their female characters basically being Beth Phoenix and Smiley Face Who’s Not Beth Phoenix.

Prediction: Layla wins by reversing the Glam Slam in to a rollup, because I don’t think she’s gotten to use that finish on Beth yet, and Kelly Kelly doing it on 349 consecutive PPVs just wasn’t enough for Vince.

Tuxedo Match: United States Champion Santino Marella vs. Ricardo Rodriguez

Kevin: The last tuxedo match I remember seeing was on RAW in the dark ages of 2002. It featured Trish Stratus stripping a doughy, pasty Howard Finkel to his skivvies. This has to be an improvement, right? Why do I ask rhetorical questions? I never like the answers. I will note that I follow the delightful Mr. Rodriguez on Twitter (@RRWWE) and he has threatened to combat Santino’s Cobra with his own Mongoose. This sounds promising…or horrifying…or both.

Prediction: Ricardo actually brings a live mongoose to the ring. It is frightened by loud noises and mauls ring announcer Justin Roberts. Santino wins by disqualification.

Donnie: Nope, don’t care. Not even a little, and this is coming from someone who LIKES Ricardo consistently, and laughs at Santino occasionally. These two work a good comedy match, but the problem is that both of them have their signature comedy spots, and that’s pretty much all they do.  I’ve seen Santino pull off those spots, and seen Ricardo take silly bumps for the last two weeks, and while that started out well enough, now it’s just not as funny anymore.  Kind of like listening to “I’m on a Boat” by The Lonely Island on repeat.  The only difference is that this match doesn’t have T-Pain.  Though I will probably be in ACTUAL pain watching it…FROM MY SIDES SPLITTING!

Or the bullet I plan on eating.  Either or.

Prediction: Santino wins when he rips off Ricado’s clothes, only to reveal that Ricardo is wearing women’s underwear.  Or a Rebecca Black t-shirt.  Whichever they decide is more embarrassing this week.

Intercontinental Champion Christian vs. Cody Rhodes

Kevin: Hooray, a match that I actually want to see! Nonetheless, I would like to propose a drinking game. Every time Christian comes off of the top rope to the mat (or is thrown to the floor, or flips over his opponent’s head) and proceeds to land on his feet, take a drink. The dude is like a cat – a cat with spindly chicken legs.

Prediction: Vince McMahon runs into Christian backstage before the match, notices that he’s holding the Intercontinental Title, and has him thrown out of the building on charges of Grand Theft Championship. Christian’s protests that he is both 1) under WWE contract and 2) the actual reigning champion fall on deaf ears. John Laurinaitis rushes to the ring to present Cody with the title while Vince has a pudding and a nap.

Donnie: This match will probably be the best match on the card from a fundamental standpoint.  I enjoy both of these guys, and expect this to be a fun little 10 minute match.  If the dirt sheets are to be believed, Cody was never supposed to lose the belt, and only dropped it because he failed a wellness exam that he later got a pass on.  WWE has also been using its website to drop hints that Christian might not be the virtuous hero he appears to be.  I wouldn’t be shocked if this match leads to Cody winning, setting off a chain of events that brings back “One More Match” Christian, only they’ll make him an evil baker who enables overweight superstars in their bad habits.  He’ll defeat Brodus Clay when he gives him diabetes after force feeding him cookies, and then he’ll stand over his fallen body screaming “One more batch!  One more batch!”  All his recipes will utilize literal Peeps.

Prediction: Cody regains his title, because undoing your on-the-fly booking with more on-the-fly booking has worked SO well in the past!

WWE Champion CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Kane

Kevin: I’ve been enjoying the AJ-centric build to this match so much that I haven’t even had time to be bothered by the inclusion of Kane. If AJ has to climb him and make out with him again, though, I might not be responsible for my actions. I’m riding the Daniel Bryan bandwagon pretty hard, and my hope is that Kane’s inclusion gives them the opportunity to put the belt on D-Bry while allowing Punk to gripe that he lost his title without being pinned or submitted.

Prediction: While CM Punk has tacitly approved of AJ’s continued presence by smarming about “digging crazy chicks”, it’s worth noting that none of the objects of her affection are really playing with a full deck themselves. At the moment of truth, AJ will spurn all three in favor of her new crush, the Ultimate Warrior. Punk will be so jazzed to see one of his childhood heroes that he won’t notice as Bryan makes Kane tap to the Yes Lock.

Donnie: And now…Fantasy Booking with Donnie presents…How I Would Handle The Next Three Pay-Per-Views!    I opt for the least likely scenario here, and have Kane win.  Have Bryan get the Yes Lock on Punk, Punk taps, but the referee doesn’t see it, giving Kane the chance to come in and chokeslam Bryan and pin him.  Punk doesn’t take the loss (because heaven forbid the coolest kid in school lose a match), and Bryan has a legitimate gripe.  Next month’s PPV would see Bryan battle Kane for the title, with Bryan tapping out The Big Red Machine.  This makes Bryan the champion, and also builds him as a legitimate threat, because he tapped out Kane, who either has never tapped out, or we’ll be told has never tapped out, because even if he has, who the hell remembers that?  If I don’t, WWE Creative certainly won’t.  Punk can fight Tensai on that PPV and make him tap to the Anaconda Vice, because even though he’s smaller, he lost his belt and he’s mad as hell (and also, WWE apparently doesn’t give a fuck about Tensai anymore).  The lead in to SummerSlam would feature Punk and Bryan arguing about how they each tapped out monsters, and who’s was more impressive, and why that makes them the best.  Punk gripes that he wasn’t even pinned to lose his title, and should still be the champion.  Bryan counters with “Shut up, you’re a shell of your former self, stop ruining your legacy and go back to being tolerable to watch, because you sure as hell aren’t THAT anymore”.  Or maybe I counter with that.  Whatever.  Regardless, this sets up a SummerSlam main event (or sub-main event because it definitely won’t go on AFTER Triple H stroking his own dick off by booking himself to beat Brock) of Punk vs. Bryan for the WWE title, in an Iron Man Submission Match.  And everyone lived happily ever after, and the children danced and celebrated in the streets.  Oh, and AJ picks none of these guys, and moves in with me and we get married and take our children to punk shows and teach them to play video games and read comics.  Then they grow up to become second generation wrestlers, and use their pull to get me a job in the creative department, and I make these things happen for real.

Prediction: Kane, because those three months of booking are better than anything they’re ever going to ACTUALLY do.  I’m a wrestling fan on the internet, of course I know better than people who do this professionally for the largest wrestling company in the world.

World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler

Kevin: Given the last-minute scramble to replace the concussed Alberto del Rio, they could’ve done worse than picking the most entertaining in-ring performer in the company. Of course, it might be more meaningful if they hadn’t spent the past six months having every man, woman, child, and invertebrate pin Ziggler. Well, hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

Prediction: Dolph makes Sheamus look like a million Euros, Sheamus retains, Jerry Lawler continues to make age jokes and fat jokes about Vickie Guerrero, and I destroy a perfectly good television in disgust.

Donnie: I love Dolph.  I do.  But didn’t they do this match on RAW, like, two weeks ago?  And didn’t it go about 4 minutes, and end with Dolph getting his head kicked in to the third row?  So now I’m supposed to buy him as a credible threat, and capable of pulling off a 10 to 15 minute classic?  Uh huh. Right.  No matter how much more I like Dolph, and how much better I actually think he is, I’d have gone with someone who HADN’T just gotten decimated by the champion.

Prediction: Dolph jobs to either another Brogue Kick, or the Michael Keaton/Nathan Fillion Memorial Driver

Steel Cage Match: John Cena vs. the Big Show (Someone’s getting FIIIIRRREEEEEDDDDD)

Kevin: And so we finally come to John Cena’s Very Dire Consequences Match of the Month. The toothless stipulation is a nuisance, and my feelings on John Cena are still residing firmly in “fart noise” territory, but for the first time ever in his 13-year WWE tenure, I’m buying what the Big Show is selling. The original firing and heel turn were about as entertaining as a Best of Sean Mooney DVD, but somebody in the writers’ room put in some good work after Over the Limit. With Mark Henry out for the time being, you might as well have the Big Show destroying worlds, and “I’m tired of being the 500-pound smiling oaf” is as good a justification as any. Sure, I would rather have Big Show nowhere near the main event of a PPV in freaking 2012, but I’m making lemonade here.

Prediction: Big Show gets caught in traffic on the Jersey Turnpike, so Cena improvises and pummels and humiliates referee Charles Robinson for giggles. It goes for 20 minutes. WWE continues to run “Be A Star” anti-bullying promos without any air of irony.

Donnie: Do I really have to talk about this match?  I want to channel Stone Cold Molly Facebuster and just talk about The Rock again, is that an option?  Believe it or not, The Big Show ISN’T the reason I have no desire to watch this.  Remember a few months ago when I wrote that article about how John Cena aint so bad, because handicapped kids?  Yeah, throw that out the Goddamn window.  At this juncture Cena has become completely intolerable.  I could stand him winning every match and Supermanning that ho.  That’s not the problem.  It’s his character.  When he’s in the ring, he’s fine.  I’m not in the camp that thinks “HERP DERP, HE ONLY DOES FOUR MOVES!”  While he’s not exactly my cup of tea, he isn’t going to ruin my wrestling show by wrestling.  My issue is what he does whenever he opens his stupid New England mouth.  He jokes when he should be serious, and the jokes are never funny.  I still cannot believe that someone thought it was a brilliant move to come out and make Ace Ventura/Interrupting Cow jokes on a wrestling show in 2012.  If Santino does that, fine.  His character is that he’s a goof who’s one or two steps behind everyone else in the lockerroom.  If he claims he’ll beat Ricardo on Sunday because he’s “SSSSSSSSSSMOKIN'”, I have no problem with laughing at that ironically, because that fits in to his comedy wrestling character.  But John Cena is a main eventer.  Hell, he’s the focus of the whole damn show, for all intents and purposes.  While he can say things that are funny, he should absolutely NOT be devolving his entire schtick in to “Silly Things That Comedy Wrestlers Do”.  I get what they’re trying to do.  I do.  They want their main guy to show kids that anger isn’t the answer, that sometimes bad people do bad things to you, and instead of getting angry and letting them win by getting a rise out of you, it’s better in the long run to just keep doing your thing, and show them that they can’t effect you.  I get that, and it’s a valuable life lesson for real life.  Problem?  Even David At the Dentist knows that THIS ISN’T REAL LIFE.  John Cena is a pro wrestler, and when people put him in dire situations, he should act like those situations are dire.  Instead, he acts like they are completely unimportant, and a fucking joke.  I’m all for putting the bad guys in their place.  What I’m not in favor of is acting like what the bad guys do doesn’t matter.  If what they do doesn’t matter, none of this is important.  And if none of this is important, why am I watching at all?

Oh, right.  Big Show is in this match, too.  If you had told me, as recently as last year, that two of my favorite parts of my pro wrestling show would be Mark Henry and The Big Show, I’d have S’ed my H, and chuckled to myself and called you a Goddamn liar, or a lunatic.  But here we are, in Our Lord’s Year 2012, and I love The Big Show and miss Mark Henry greatly.  They’ve built Big Show up, through his actions and his promos, to be a believable monster, and for the first time EVER (WCW run included), I am taking a character that Paul Wight is portraying seriously.  The problem is, Big Show has clearly only been built up as a monster so that John Cena can beat him.  That’s a problem.  Doomsday spent two months demolishing everyone in the DC Universe so that when he finally came face to face with Superman, you thought there was a chance he might win.  And you know what?  HE DID.  Sure, Superman knocked him out, too, but he (for all intents and purposes) KILLED Superman.  Here, there is absolutely no doubt that Cena is in no trouble whatsoever, because he’s NEVER in any trouble.  What I’m saying is, characters should be built as monsters, because THAT’S their character, so that when your faces come up against them, you think, “Wow, how is he going to have a chance here?”  WCW did it with Vader, and it worked, as evidenced by the fact that when he came back on RAW last Monday night, he got a HUGE ovation, despite  awful, awful things his WWF run did to his career.  Here, though, guys are only being built up so that when John Cena beats them, the pate eating children in the audience can clap their hands in glee and buy another multi-colored t-shirt with a billion motivational slogans slapped on it.

What I’m saying here is, this is stupid, and I don’t like it, because the half of it I do like is only there to feed the half that I vehemently hate.

Prediction: Vince McMahon is at ringside, so there’s a little piece of me that hopes he’s going to interfere and reveal that he’s been in league with Big Johnny the whole time, and that he’s sick of Cena for whatever reason.  But that would require WWE Creative to acknowledge continuity.  Johnny, as you’ll recall, came to the ring with Vince last year at Money in the Bank, to try and prevent CM Punk from winning and walking out with the title.  Then, at the beginning of this entire CotB/COO/BoD/WTF storyline, it was clear that Johnny was only put in place because Vince couldn’t be in charge, and he needed a toadie to fill in for him and pull the strings he told him to pull.  Johnny was the Giant Floating Green Head, and Vince was The Great and Powerful Oz (Not Kevin Nash).  But apparently, that’s been forgotten, and now Vince hates Johnny, or at least wants us to believe he does.  So yeah, I hope Vince reveals that Monday night was all smoke and mirrors, and he really wants Cena to be “fired”, even though in Cena terms that means “Show up every week and acting like nothing happened”.  In all honesty, I’d really like to see Cena have a chance to just walk out the door, and instead Attitudinally Adjust Big Show through the cage, getting himself fired in the process.  But really, we all know it’s going to end up being Cena that comes out on top, leading to Big Johnny joining Paul Heyman as part of Brock Lesnar’s legal team, and Triple H joining Vince as the focus of the show, and the coolest, most important people in the company.

I really should’ve just written an entire article about this nonsense BEFORE clogging up the end of the predictions post.  Enjoy the show, everyone!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s